[the following is the first time i've attempted relaying to anyone in any sort of detail a Near Death Experience i had back in june of 2006. this letter to my friend was written and sent just two days ago. it's taken me this long to be able to talk about it. it will be, i'm sure, the first of many attempts to write about what happened. some of the details will change with each draft for a couple of reasons. one, in the version below, i altered the chronology of some of the events because i was too ashamed to tell them in the order they happened. i was too ashamed because i know the person who i was sending this to. in your case, anonymous blog-reader, it will be much easier to tell the story as it happened because i don't have to ever see your look of pity, or disgust or incredulity at what i have to say. two, because of the HUGELY traumatic nature of the NDE, i have blocked some of its aspects out and through the course of continually re-examining it will i, no doubt, be able to put together a more accurate and comprehensive account of the experience.]
[in response to Q.'s e-mail] wow, Q., heart failure is what my father died of. his heart wasn't pumping blood adequately to his system so over the years it enlarged to compensate, but it enlarged too much in the end and burst. but the good news is, you totally know about your condition. my dad had no idea and so was taking no precautions and measures to act against it doing what it did. if you don't mind me asking, what things do you do to safeguard against something harmful or lethal happening?
to the best of my knowledge, i have had mostly "only" panic attack type heart failure scares. meaning, i do not have a genuine heart condition other than the fact that i have a heart murmur. i word it like that because on three occasions i had panic attacks so badly that i thought i was having a genuine heart attack. i called 911 on two of them. the first two, i felt a sharp stab to my heart like someone was taking a butcher knife to it and then an excruciating pain running down my left arm. i could not move it at all after that. on two of those occasions, once i got to the hospital, the doctors told me i was fine, that it was "just" a panic attack. the third time was worse than the previous three, but by this time my husband, resentful from being syked out by the first two, refused to call 911 because he said it's "only" going to turn out to be a panic attack again. he was pissed at me because our health insurance would only cover the ambulance ride if it was a real heart attack. they had charged us $1000 each for the previous trips to the hospital because they turned out NOT to be cases of genuine heart failure. my ex-husband literally said to me, "it better be a real heart attack if i'm gonna pick up the phone." yeah, you can see why we're no longer together.
anyway, there was nothing i could do. i was in such excruciating pain all i could do was lie there and writhe. the last thing i remember is my heart literally stopping. it stopped like a sudden intense electric seizure - like a sharp, painful spasm - and then nothing. i swear to you, Q., i put my right hand to my heart for a good several minutes and could NOT feel ANYTHING. i was so scared, i passed out. when i came to, i put my right hand back on my heart and still nothing. i could feel absolutely no heart beat whatsoever. my chest felt like a block of hollow wood. and my vision was weird. everything was grey and cloudy. and every time i tried to talk to A. (ex) he acted like i wasn't even there. and strangely now, i felt no pain anywhere. i got up and went to the mirror and when i saw myself - i looked dead. my skin was blue grey and i had these deep, dark circles under my eyes. there was no light in them. A. was ignoring me, so i just went back to the bed and lie there. as the day continued on i kept putting my hand to my chest to see if i could feel a pulse. still nothing, no heart beat, nothing. there was something i noticed though. as i sat there on the bed with the tv on, but not even really watching it, tons and tons of flies kept coming over to me and sitting on me. i looked over at A. there were no flies on him at all. as i sat there contemplating my heart attack/panic attack, the flies, the lack of heart beating in my chest, the grey color of my skin and everything around me, i had a white light experience. suddenly, the whole place flooded in so much bright light. it was so soft. i felt at last i was free. at last i was going to be happy and satisfied. that i wouldn't be in emotional or physical pain anymore. i was so ready. i can't even tell you. i was ready to jump this fucking ship goodbye. but then i heard a fucking voice tell me that i wasn't crossing over yet. that everyone has a time and this wasn't mine. i begged and pleaded with it to take me. i told it i couldn't believe it was going to give me this cliche. now that i had felt what was in the light i was so all about being there - fuck the pain and misery of earth, why the hell would i want that when i could be at peace? when peace felt so fucking good!!!! but no deal. it said there were more things i needed to do here blah blah blah. to be honest, i didn't give a shit what it's reasons were. if it wasn't going to take me, i didn't care what it had to say. i walked around for 3 days in this weird state, where the light was both twilight grey and really bright sunrise - the whole time, these three days, i had no heartbeat whatsoever - at least, that was my subjective experience - i had no doctors with their equipment to tell me otherwise – A., for his part, barely acknowledged i was even there, it was so weird, it's like he couldn't even see me - he went to work, came back, turned on the tv, never really even saying anything or even looking at me - a lot like bruce willis' character and his wife in the 6th sense - i always wondered what the experience was like from A's end - could he see me? did he exp time differently on his end? - i never got the chance to find out, because he never wanted to talk about it afterward and then we split up. those three days i couldn't eat anything and i could barely even drink water. it felt unnaturally heavy in my body and was uncomfortable to digest. on the third day, my heartbeat returned and i thought i was going to have another heart attack out of sheer joy. i mean, since i was told i would be sticking around with the living, it was REALLY creepy to be hanging out not being able to feel my own heartbeat. i was like PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT, GOD! and like i said, when i looked in the mirror i looked like a ghost - it was really unnerving!!!
so on the third day, i rose again and went back to living my life. LOL. i didn't know what to classify it as. i wasn't sure what had happened. since i didn't go into the doctor, i didn't know if the whole thing was a hallucination or one part hallucination and another part panic attack (the panic attack part indicating some symptoms were real but the medical conclusion not being lethal a.k.a heart attack or stroke) or if the whole thing from start to finish was straight up what i thought it was i.e. a fatal heart attack in which i died, had a Near Death Experience, white lights and all, floated around in some sort of purgatory for what seemed like 3 days and then came back to life because the ubiquitous Voice of God/Higher Consciousness/The Universe/Big Whatever told me i still have some work here to do. etc etc.
i've never been sure if a doctor could tell me whether or not i really suffered a heart attack/stroke that day. it's been some time now, like 2 and 1/2 years - would they be able to tell if i had DIED then? you'd think such an acute impact on the body would leave a trace. like if i went in today, would they have the technology to look at my body and say, "yes, P., you DID have a heart attack 2 1/2 years ago." ??? because, since i didn't go in right when it happened, i 've been afraid i have missed the opportunity for doctors to be able to tell me whether or not what happened was what i thought happened.
it lives on as a serious mystery in my life and mind and i consider it to be a real Near Death Experience as best as i can tell. i don't know what else to consider it as since i only have my subjective experience to go on.
i can tell you i came back with "superpowers" after it happened, hehe. just like in them hollywood films! by "superpowers" i mostly mean heightened psychic awareness - i was already a practicing psychic medium by then, but my accuracy shot up through the roof! and curiously, i came back completely cured of several long-standing addictions i had. one being coffee, another being pot. SNAP! just like that. stopped on a dime right after my heart beat returned. haven't had the urge to do either one.
i still haven't forgiven "god" though for syking me out and not taking me with her into that soooooo relieving light. i would have done anything to go into it.
so now when people ask me if i've ever had a heart attack, and yes, i do get asked, as you can see, i'm never quite sure what to say.
© 2009 Copyright by Paola Lopez
[in response to Q.'s e-mail] wow, Q., heart failure is what my father died of. his heart wasn't pumping blood adequately to his system so over the years it enlarged to compensate, but it enlarged too much in the end and burst. but the good news is, you totally know about your condition. my dad had no idea and so was taking no precautions and measures to act against it doing what it did. if you don't mind me asking, what things do you do to safeguard against something harmful or lethal happening?
to the best of my knowledge, i have had mostly "only" panic attack type heart failure scares. meaning, i do not have a genuine heart condition other than the fact that i have a heart murmur. i word it like that because on three occasions i had panic attacks so badly that i thought i was having a genuine heart attack. i called 911 on two of them. the first two, i felt a sharp stab to my heart like someone was taking a butcher knife to it and then an excruciating pain running down my left arm. i could not move it at all after that. on two of those occasions, once i got to the hospital, the doctors told me i was fine, that it was "just" a panic attack. the third time was worse than the previous three, but by this time my husband, resentful from being syked out by the first two, refused to call 911 because he said it's "only" going to turn out to be a panic attack again. he was pissed at me because our health insurance would only cover the ambulance ride if it was a real heart attack. they had charged us $1000 each for the previous trips to the hospital because they turned out NOT to be cases of genuine heart failure. my ex-husband literally said to me, "it better be a real heart attack if i'm gonna pick up the phone." yeah, you can see why we're no longer together.
anyway, there was nothing i could do. i was in such excruciating pain all i could do was lie there and writhe. the last thing i remember is my heart literally stopping. it stopped like a sudden intense electric seizure - like a sharp, painful spasm - and then nothing. i swear to you, Q., i put my right hand to my heart for a good several minutes and could NOT feel ANYTHING. i was so scared, i passed out. when i came to, i put my right hand back on my heart and still nothing. i could feel absolutely no heart beat whatsoever. my chest felt like a block of hollow wood. and my vision was weird. everything was grey and cloudy. and every time i tried to talk to A. (ex) he acted like i wasn't even there. and strangely now, i felt no pain anywhere. i got up and went to the mirror and when i saw myself - i looked dead. my skin was blue grey and i had these deep, dark circles under my eyes. there was no light in them. A. was ignoring me, so i just went back to the bed and lie there. as the day continued on i kept putting my hand to my chest to see if i could feel a pulse. still nothing, no heart beat, nothing. there was something i noticed though. as i sat there on the bed with the tv on, but not even really watching it, tons and tons of flies kept coming over to me and sitting on me. i looked over at A. there were no flies on him at all. as i sat there contemplating my heart attack/panic attack, the flies, the lack of heart beating in my chest, the grey color of my skin and everything around me, i had a white light experience. suddenly, the whole place flooded in so much bright light. it was so soft. i felt at last i was free. at last i was going to be happy and satisfied. that i wouldn't be in emotional or physical pain anymore. i was so ready. i can't even tell you. i was ready to jump this fucking ship goodbye. but then i heard a fucking voice tell me that i wasn't crossing over yet. that everyone has a time and this wasn't mine. i begged and pleaded with it to take me. i told it i couldn't believe it was going to give me this cliche. now that i had felt what was in the light i was so all about being there - fuck the pain and misery of earth, why the hell would i want that when i could be at peace? when peace felt so fucking good!!!! but no deal. it said there were more things i needed to do here blah blah blah. to be honest, i didn't give a shit what it's reasons were. if it wasn't going to take me, i didn't care what it had to say. i walked around for 3 days in this weird state, where the light was both twilight grey and really bright sunrise - the whole time, these three days, i had no heartbeat whatsoever - at least, that was my subjective experience - i had no doctors with their equipment to tell me otherwise – A., for his part, barely acknowledged i was even there, it was so weird, it's like he couldn't even see me - he went to work, came back, turned on the tv, never really even saying anything or even looking at me - a lot like bruce willis' character and his wife in the 6th sense - i always wondered what the experience was like from A's end - could he see me? did he exp time differently on his end? - i never got the chance to find out, because he never wanted to talk about it afterward and then we split up. those three days i couldn't eat anything and i could barely even drink water. it felt unnaturally heavy in my body and was uncomfortable to digest. on the third day, my heartbeat returned and i thought i was going to have another heart attack out of sheer joy. i mean, since i was told i would be sticking around with the living, it was REALLY creepy to be hanging out not being able to feel my own heartbeat. i was like PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT, GOD! and like i said, when i looked in the mirror i looked like a ghost - it was really unnerving!!!
so on the third day, i rose again and went back to living my life. LOL. i didn't know what to classify it as. i wasn't sure what had happened. since i didn't go into the doctor, i didn't know if the whole thing was a hallucination or one part hallucination and another part panic attack (the panic attack part indicating some symptoms were real but the medical conclusion not being lethal a.k.a heart attack or stroke) or if the whole thing from start to finish was straight up what i thought it was i.e. a fatal heart attack in which i died, had a Near Death Experience, white lights and all, floated around in some sort of purgatory for what seemed like 3 days and then came back to life because the ubiquitous Voice of God/Higher Consciousness/The Universe/Big Whatever told me i still have some work here to do. etc etc.
i've never been sure if a doctor could tell me whether or not i really suffered a heart attack/stroke that day. it's been some time now, like 2 and 1/2 years - would they be able to tell if i had DIED then? you'd think such an acute impact on the body would leave a trace. like if i went in today, would they have the technology to look at my body and say, "yes, P., you DID have a heart attack 2 1/2 years ago." ??? because, since i didn't go in right when it happened, i 've been afraid i have missed the opportunity for doctors to be able to tell me whether or not what happened was what i thought happened.
it lives on as a serious mystery in my life and mind and i consider it to be a real Near Death Experience as best as i can tell. i don't know what else to consider it as since i only have my subjective experience to go on.
i can tell you i came back with "superpowers" after it happened, hehe. just like in them hollywood films! by "superpowers" i mostly mean heightened psychic awareness - i was already a practicing psychic medium by then, but my accuracy shot up through the roof! and curiously, i came back completely cured of several long-standing addictions i had. one being coffee, another being pot. SNAP! just like that. stopped on a dime right after my heart beat returned. haven't had the urge to do either one.
i still haven't forgiven "god" though for syking me out and not taking me with her into that soooooo relieving light. i would have done anything to go into it.
so now when people ask me if i've ever had a heart attack, and yes, i do get asked, as you can see, i'm never quite sure what to say.
© 2009 Copyright by Paola Lopez
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